Entry 2: The Pizza of Penance

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

There comes a time in every academic's life when traditional pedagogy fails, and one must resort to more... visceral methods of instruction. Such was the case recently with my recurring subject, Shane (the self-titled 'King of the Morons').

Following his frankly abysmal performance in a courtroom simulator—a display of incompetence so profound it bordered on performance art—he approached me for his punishment. The task? To design a "horrific" pizza.

Now, a lesser mind might have simply piled jalapeños and hot sauce onto a crust. But I am an Oxford-educated academic. I understand that true horror is psychological, born of clashing textures and irreconcilable flavor profiles. Thus, I engineered a gastronomic nightmare: a thick, stodgy base smothered in tomato sauce, blanketed by an unholy trinity of Tuna, Sweetcorn, and Vegan Cheese (a substance that mimics the texture of plastic and the taste of despair). To ensure maximum misery, I added Spinach, Cherry Tomatoes, and Feta.

The subject attempted to negotiate. He begged for mercy. I demanded he read aloud the Wikipedia introductory paragraph for the philosophical concept of 'Solipsism'—a fitting topic for a man who seems to believe grammar rules do not exist outside his own mind.

He complied, surprisingly without catastrophically mispronouncing every third syllable. The pizza was ordered. Justice, unlike in his simulator, was served.